Write On!

              - 1 8 - Griet& Recovery
This is often referred to as the time of ' if only". You may direct anger towards
anyone associated with the death, police, medical personnel, funeral home
staff or someone who was involved in the death, even if only by accident or by
association. Anger is often difficult to discuss or share with anyone, sometimes
because you fear that once you ' let it out' you will never stop yelling. Even
more difficult to accept or share is the anger you may feel towards the
deceased. You may be angry with her for dying and causing you pain, or
because he didn't look after himself and now you are alone to face all the grief
and work. This sometimes hits us when we are trying to unravel the intricacies
of settling the estate. All anger, no matter to whom it is directed, is absolutely
natural. It is a part of the normal process of letting go. Karen Martin, author of
Learning To Live With Loss, said, " Anger is the outward reaction to inner pain".
So, don't try to hide it, share how you feel with someone you trust. This is
important because it does not go away unless it is acknowledged.
Feelings of guilt are another common reaction. You may feel guilty for
being alive when a loved one has died. This is particularly common in
accidents where one dies and one survived. You may feel, in some way,
responsible for the death or regret a missed chance to say words of
forgiveness or love while you had the chance. As humans we have all made
some mistakes in our relationships with others but, when a person close to us
dies, these mistakes often assume major importance in our grief. You must try
to be realistic in assessing your culpability. If there is some realistic reason to
feel guilt, you must learn to forgive yourself. The guilt associated with feelings
of anger towards the deceased is a result of what we feel is inappropriate, i. e.:
" we should never speak ill of the dead", but we must realize that it is simply an
outer display of inner pain and is a very normal reaction. Again, sharing with a
caring and nonjudgmental person can put these feelings in perspective and
may help you discover that you are over estimating your responsibility and/ or
guilt.
Sadness and depression can make your life seem pointless and
without hope. These, too, are normal reactions to loss. When you feel
depressed, life seems without joy. Food tastes different or bad and your
appetite may range from nonexistent to voracious. Sleep patterns may be
altered, from sleeplessness to finding it difficult to stay awake. Your ability to
concentrate is hampered and you may find it difficult to comprehend or
remember. Thoughts of suicide are fairly common. Remember that rational
thinking is impaired at this time. Do not make any long term or life style
decisions. Although sadness and depression are a natural reaction to grief, be
aware that if the depression becomes debilitating or frightening thoughts
persist or worsen, you should ask for help. Throughout this time of despair and
emotional upheaval, it is important that you share it with someone. If you are
alone or find it uncomfortable talking to those close to you, find someone less
closely involved. Professional counseling can be beneficial in helping you
understand these unfamiliar, confusing and overwhelming feelings and help
you learn to cope.