The Book of Ideas

              The next marnin', after they'd washed me, an' stuck a thermometer in me teeth, an' feit me pulse a couple of times, the high-up Doctor came smilin' into the ward like a May Marnin'. I was taken with hitn from the start, if I do say it, the mother of six.. 'Tis a man he is, as well as a Doctor an' the best of both, or I'm no judge. He stepped alongside me bed (a Neat stepper he is too) an', an', Saints save ye, What's allin' ye? he says or words to that effect. That's fer you to find out sir, I answered back with more sass in me voice than I thought was left in it. He looked me over a minute, then he pulled out a flashlight an' turned it in me eye, a'peerin' and a'peepin', fer all the world like he was lookin' fer a cinder. "It ain't me eye," I explained, "It's me thigh that's troublin' me." He paid me no mind whatsoever, but kept squintin' and squintin' till I was plum nervous, I waS. "Is it blind I'm goin'?" I asked all in a swither. "Your eyes are all right,' he say, "It's your blood vessels I'm watchin'," he says. Now, I lave it to ye,Mrs. Smeltz, did ye iver hear of blood vessels bein' anywhere save in yer ams and legs? Well, the High-up-one, havin' begun with me eyes, rover left off till he got to the soles of me two feet. He hammered on me knees an' elbows with a little mallet, land knows why, an' he made diagrams on me chest an' listened to me breath, an' he tested me arms and legs to. see if I was stringhalt. An' whin he w~ done with me, I says. to him, "Well if ye know anything more thin ye did before, all I kin say fer yer Blessed Mither is that she's got a smart son." He cracked a joke back, that I didn't catch, but it set the ward laughin'. So I made bold to answer, "I don't know yer ancistry, but I'll venture wan of trum wore a shamrock in his button hole on St. Patrick's Day," an' the blessed man retreated under fire as I mint he should. Well, it was that I had me bit of fun, for no sooner had he left, Heaven rest his soul, than in come a nurse carryin' a covered tray that I took to be me breakfast. But whin she took the towel off, Lo an' beholden ther was bristIin' needles an' tubes an' rubber hoses. Thin the young doctor I was tellin' yer about, up he come, an' without so much as by-yer-Ieave, he tied the hose around me arm, jabbed a darnin' needle into the crotch of me elbow, an' dreened off bout half a teacupful of me life blood. A sickin' sight it was to be sure, but I had to get used to it. Endurin' the intire time I was in that hospital, that man hovered around. like a misquito, bent on drawin' blood from me arm or wan of me fingers. The next day was worse than the first wan. Before I'd collected me senses, a nurse brought me two sli~s. of cold lightbread an' two glasses of cold water. "An' ye call that a Breakfast?" I asked, with scorn in me voice. "It's a test meal," she says. "Test nothin'," I says, "it's an insult, I Then in come a fat doctor with a face like a marshmallow, an' in his hand he helt what I took to ~ a perfumery atomizer, an' some more rubber hose. Ye'd niver think Mrs. Smeltz, what an important part rubber hose takes in curin' folks till ye go through a clinic. They had me swallow eight finger-lengths. of rubber hose; An' then they sez, "Now eat this bread and water." This when I wuz all full of rubber hose. That marnin' wuz bad, but the next wuz worse. They started me out without even bread and water, put another rubber tube-this one had somethin' at the end looked like a set of rubber teeth-in my mouth, clapped a steel clothespin on me nose and started pumpin' the air out of me, all the time saying' "Breath natUral." Human flesh was niver meant to stand the likes of that. Then I drinks some thick wrutewashy stuff, they explainin' it was gettin' ready to take. a picture of me lamentary.. canal. 61

wouldn't be caught offerin' it to me dog."

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